Bare

Do you ever feel like you don't measure up?  Lately I feel like I'm drowning in things that I just don't seem to get done and it leaves me feeling rather much like a mess.  I forget the details, get lost in a task and am so easily distracted that I don't remember where my car is in the parking lot.  The laundry piles up, the floor needs to be mopped and the kids won't stop fighting long enough for us to even share a meal.  The insomnia is making me befuddled all day long and yet there is always another task to do, meeting to attend, chore to complete, dinner to make, boo-boo to kiss, bedtime story to read...

Weary.  Very weary. 

My Dad is dying.  My husband is training for a new job and has 4 more weeks until he comes home.  New job means distinct possibility of relocation.  Moving again?  Moving boxes, packing up, purging before we pack, leaving our life here behind, having to start over.  My son is grieving for a loss and another one is coming.  My baby (okay, he's 3, but yes, he's my baby) is struggling to catch up for 2 years worth of speech development to the tune of $432.00 a week.  We're paying two mortgages, doctor bills, car payment, tuition while committing to our tithe and still needing to eat. 

Weary.  Very weary.

To lay it all out there like this is akin to that dream where you're giving a speech in front of a room full of people and you suddenly realize that you're naked.  Bare.  But, maybe one person will read this and know they are not alone, that there is another person out there that can relate. 

Now, stop and think about what it must be for God to see his children (millions of us) struggling along in life.  How is heart must break to see us distance ourselves, proclaiming independence when all he wants from us is to crawl up in his arms and GIVE IN. As hard as it is to get through this for me, there are people out there who have tragedy, sickness, death, sadness, depression...my only hope I can consistently cling to is that God is there.  Even when I don't feel it, he is there.  God can't come down and hand me money to pay my bills or fold my laundry but he did give me skills that are more than sufficient to take care of myself.  I am mired in a pit, consumed by the tasks at hand, over committed and overwhelmed because of the choices that I made.  But, he is still there.  That still small voice urging me on and asking me to believe that he does really love me.

Weary.  Very weary. But, there is a light that cannot be darkened, a love that can not be taken away, a life to live that walks with Him right beside me.  I will get there.

My heart was breaking listening to the story on the radio - 45% of people surveyed by researchers out of Baylor University are said to describe God as "distant" or "critical", had I been reading this in person rather than listening to the radio there would have been tears wetting the newsprint pages.  While my father lays dying of a disease that we cannot cure there are people out in this world that would have you believe that God "did it" to him...I pray for the souls of those that see God in this light.  It pains me so to see my children growing up in a "god-less" world.  Whomever you pray to - whether it be a Christian, Islamic, Judaic or Hindu deity is not the point in this matter, the point is - why on Earth would you embrace a God that is critical or distant?  I am puzzled at the type of person that would have ties to a deity that was helmed by a critical or distant being? 

Christ is in all that I do.  He (thankfully and mercifully) is not critical or distant in any moment....do I distance myself or place critical judgements on my actions, behaviors and thoughts?  Of course I do, but it certainly isn't my God and Savior that is placing those barriers to salvation and redemption in my path.  I do that because I do lose sight of how mighty, powerful and amazing my God can be if I am courageous enough to trust in Him alone. 

Would you trust or love or fall humbled upon the feet of a distant or critical God?  Yes, we are judged.  But the forgiveness is mightier than any of our faults.  He has already died for me on that cross over 2000 years ago.  My sin has been paid.

I am praying for our country to feel the LOVE and GRACE of God.  We need to be sharing our message and showing the love of our God in who we are, in what we say and in what we do.  I am raising my children in a home that teaches them to honor and praise God in all that they do...perhaps we have come into a time in our culture where faith and steadfast commitment to a value or belief are counter cultural - however, that won't change how I will teach my children to respond to God, to their family, to each other, to friends, to strangers...

This makes me weary...