I have had the distinct opportunity to have several moments of humility, wonder and amazement in the past two days and in sharing them, I hope you receive the blessings as well.
I have been looking for part-time work here and there to supplement our income enough to cover the school tuition for our boys to attend school and I was found via a website by a woman that wanted a tutor, yesterday was our first session. Humbled moment. There I was with graduate education and my silver spoon fed upbringing and she taught me something profound in our first session. Her story laid out a life full of dysfunction (to quote her), multiple moves from school to school while her parents drinking ran rampant and the eventual decision that she would just "drop out" and walk away...in the ninth grade. Fast forward to over thirty years later and at the age of 50, she decided to go back to school and earn her high school diploma.
I meet her because she is in her first semester in college (at 52) and she is struggling to write her very first college English composition assignment. She brings with her the first draft of this assignment that the college sent back with remarks (of course, all remarks are in red) and she is looking forlorn and says "maybe I shouldn't be doing this college thing..." As she continues to talk and I read through her first assignment I become very conscious of just how damn lucky I am to live the life I do. Please don't misunderstand, I don't feel pity for her, in fact I am awed by her courage and strength - it is just that there are times when I forget what a privileged life I have led. As a child it never would have occurred to me to be grateful that my parents made me go to school, do my homework and graduate from high school. There was no choice, it was a given. Meeting a woman who's life has been so vastly different from my own and see how determined she is to achieve something I completely took for granted is beyond humbling. She tells me that she hasn't told anyone she is going to college because she's embarrassed and doesn't think her family would support this venture, again I find myself humbled. Embarrassed? She's demure about asking questions because she doesn't want other people to think she's "stupid" and she tells me that she never really learned the basics of writing because she was never at one school long enough to learn anything. She writes in a style and tone and grammar that is common to her, using vernacular and abbreviations that do not translate well into the formality of an English composition and she has confused looks when we talk about outlines and a thesis statement. By the end of the hour we've used up pages of paper getting her ideas out and the first paragraph of her paper is written. She looks proud and gets her checkbook out to pay me for our session. This is why I don't ever make money on side jobs - how could I let her pay when I have learned so much from her? Lesson for me for the day: a good dose of humility does you good!
Wonder. I spend everyday with my boys and there are days, as any stay at home Mom knows, where I am spent by 3 pm. It is very easy to get caught up in the errands, housework, meals, homework, soccer and such and completely forget to take just a moment to ENJOY the time I have at home with them. Over the course of the last four months we have been having our share of challenges with our oldest son, whether it be telling lies or temper tantrums, it has been a daily battle of wills and test of patience. So, this coupled with the day to day goings on and the fact that "Dad" has been gone for six weeks - I have been frazzled even more than usual and even less likely to sit down and ENJOY a moment. This morning Aden woke around 5:30 and climbed in bed to snuggle with me and it was a welcome surprise because he has started that process of shunning the "baby things" and becoming "big". I got up around 6 and he followed me into the kitchen to make the coffee and said, "Mom, when I get big, I am going to miss you."
I look at him and wonder what he's thinking that provoked this thought and I think of what we've been through for the past four months and I have the opportunity to take my 65 pound baby into my arms and hug him as tight as I could, and I do. He lays his head on my shoulder and I am astounded at the love in his heart and the love that I feel for him as my child. The boundless capacity of our hearts to love is still a wonderment. The unconditional love that exists in my heart for these two little boys continues to be a wonderment. On that same token, the love my parents and my God feel for me...a wonderment, particularly with how rotten, rude, mean, impatient, unkind and horrible I can be. Real wonder at why and how God created a heart to love like that and yet we still have such hatred in the world? That's a wonder.
Amazement. I was listening to the radio, as always do, on the way back from school drop off and the "radio personalities" were talking with a listener about their "WOW God" moment. This man called into the radio station to share and witness, and to paraphrase, here's his story:
I was having a tough time, a really tough time and I had lost my way. I was not going to church, I was blaming God for all that had gone wrong in my life and I had gotten to end and decided that it just wasn't worth it anymore. I got my gun, loaded it and walked down to the riverside in town and knew that this was the end. I was sitting there with the gun in my hand and asking God why he had abandoned me. It was in that moment that I heard something behind me and I looked up and I saw a man coming down over the rocks, walking straight toward me. I recognized him, it was a man I had known for a long time. He came up to me and said, "Son - I was taking a nap at home and God woke me up and told me to get down to the river immediately! And now I know why." He took me home to his house, ministered to me for three days and it was then that I found my way back to God. He saved my life in that moment - God used him to save my life. Had he come a few minutes later it would have been too late. God used him to save me.
The story concluded and the next song played, here's the lyrics:
Teach me to number my days
And count every moment before it slips away
Taking all the colors before they fade to gray
I don't want to miss even just a second more of this
It happens in a blink
It happens in a flash
It happens in the time it took to look back
I try to hold on tight, but there's no stopping time
What is it I've done with my life
It happens in a blink
When it's all said and done
No one remembers how far we have run
The only thing that matters is how we have loved
I don't want to miss even just a second more of this
It happens in a blink
it happens in a flash
it happens in the time it took to look back
I try to hold on tight but there's no stopping time
What is it I've done with my life
It happens in a blink
Slow down, slow down
Before today becomes our yesterday
Slow down, slow down
Before you turn around and it's too late
It happens in a blink
it happens in a flash
it happens in the time it took to look back
I try to hold on tight but there's no stopping time
What is it I've done with my life
It happens in a blink
Amazed. Truly amazed at what God can do to save us, save me, reach me, teach me.
Have a blessed day!
