Thursday, December 2, 2010

I think I'd rather eat pumpkin pie than humble pie...

No high points of logic looming in the near future with a medicine-head brain, however, I felt the need to post something.  My lapse in blogging has been part ambivalence, the other parts are a combined effort of every other excuse I can come up with to connote just how messy the last 4 weeks have been. 

I found out yesterday that my Dad is now receiving hospice care so that we can brace everyone for the impending and inevitable demise of my dear old Dad.  Emotions that run the gamut on this one, from paralyzing fear to grief to joy of the life he has lead; ultimately, I have settled on bittersweet.  A life could not have been more lived than his own and to see him deteriorate as he has is not something I would wish on my most despised enemy.  To those that prescribe to the notion that there is dignity in death, I have to argue against you on all fronts.  There is dignity in LIFE.  Death comes to us all and in most cases the process to that glorious end ends up robbing us of all that we were in life.  The eulogy I would want for my Dad will not be a recap of his death but of his life, because that is where the dignity remains.  All this being said, there can be PEACE in death.  He has been endowed with an enviable unceasing faithfulness and belief that God is always in charge, this alone is the truest comfort that a child losing a parent can have.  I have peace because he has peace IN God's plans for him. 

I remain mostly resolute (there's that wishy-washy attitude, LOL) that all God's plans are to bring HIM good and in the moments where that resolute slides into doubtful, there is always something that brings me back to my balance I should have in life.  Usually one of my beautiful and amazing children is the person to bring me back to a humbled groundedness; this morning would be the perfect example:  while driving to school on a cold morning, the sun starts to peek through the clouds and Aden says, "See that Jay, that is the sun.  That is Jesus, the son.  He's coming through the clouds to show us he is there."  Humbled, down to my knees humbled.   Just when I start to think that I've got this all under control, I learn, yet again, that HE is in charge...of me, my Dad, my wonderful kids.  If he gets "it", surely I can too.  Here's hoping.

I have some amazing men in my life, don't I?