The Mom is coming

We are eagerly anticipating the visit of my Mom/Mimi just a day before my "I am so grown up" child turns 6 and it cannot come soon enough.  It seems that this upcoming arrival has prompted us to go into high gear getting all the things we've put off around the house done so that she can arrive and be totally impressed - ha!  But seriously, it has put a fire under our hiney to take care of things we've been procrastinating on for months, always with a semi-legitimate excuse, but nevertheless these things haven't been done.  So, we will welcome her, Lord willing, with things as they should be...or we will welcome her with things as they are at this very moment. 

I have been thinking of some decor ideas and have come up with very little considering our access to these such things is limited by distances of 90 miles or so, all I have to go with is Walmart...hence the decor dilemma.  We have some pieces around the house and a deluge of photographs that we can frame and hang up, so that is a start.  While I have been doing some decor googling I am learning that the "cross wall" is the thing right now...am not sure how I feel about the cross symbol being a trendy home decor idea but whatever floats your boat, right?  Don't get me wrong, I would love to do something like that, but the idea that its trendy is what bothers me...does that mean that there's somehow less meaning in the display if you put it up because it is the trend of the moment?  Anyway, I digress...so I am thinking a big clock and a few well placed mirrors are in order for our wall space as well as a area rug for our living room and definitely an improved choice of chairs for our table -  but the issue still remains, where do I go buy all of these things without driving to the "city"?  I don't think I am going to be able to avoid the car trip. (sigh)

It still is difficult for me at times to look at our home and feel at home here- sometimes it feels like this is just a place we're living between other places and as much as I do really love my granite counter tops and hardwood floors and backyard playset...it remains that I feel like this is us living in someone else's house until we move again.  Which brings up the latest- we're looking at opportunities outside of McAlester for the next step in our lives.  That doesn't mean that we're leaving nor does it mean that we necessarily want to leave- but the doors of opportunity are open and we're taking a peek to see what's out there...that is our big leap of faith for May 2010- we'll see what happens.  So, while this is home, we intend to make it appear as "just so" as we are able for my Mom's arrival.  We've got a lot of work to do to get there - here's hoping!

Better get moving. Blessings!

Tanned as in Honey Baked

I have vowed to spend the summer regaling in the freedoms of childhood right along with my two amazing little men, and thus far (only but a week in) we have done so with the grandest flair!  I am not ashamed to admit that I am enjoying it as much, possibly more, than they for I know that the summer will end and they will continue to grow to the point that summer vacation is only but a memory. 

Summers in my life are quite nostalgic.  Swimming and pizza and slumber party sleepovers.  Tan lines and staying up past your bedtime and sleeping in until you wake up.  Summer, as a child, allows for your collective person to exhale.  I don't remember being anxious or irritable (while I am sure my mother would disagree with my remembering) - I remember wishing summer would last. 

Splash pad at 9:30 am, why not? Cold pizza for breakfast, absolutely okay with me....cause it really is all relative.  These moments will escape me one day so I am resolutely determined to enjoy the blissful freedom that summer vacation offers in childhood.  I will delve into my new knitting hobby and end up honey baked and tan and I will eat popsicles on the back porch while playing with squirt guns and I will sleep until the boys get up and got to bed too late just because I can and I will wake up each morning with a deep sigh of contentment. 

I have been reading my Bible and learning so much over the course of these last few days and I have found that the stresses and demands of life and family and pain have been holding captive my whimsy, my free spiritedness, my willingness to stop and enjoy the moment - so summer is the perfect opportunity to free those characteristics from my self imposed prison of perfectionism and compulsivity and allow myself to breathe fully in the spirit that God lets flow through you.  I have also started a new campaign in our home to banish negativity, unkind words and the grumbling complaints of every day life while also committing to daily devotions that pack a punch in as little as 5 minutes and the compilation of these factors have all created a much more harmonious, relaxing and much more unburdened feeling in our home.  Praise God for the work He does in our lives even when we're not paying attention. 

So, here's to summer and the blessings of family and suntans and devotions and knitting and pool time and childhood...I am going to love every minute.

Blessings!

God's hand might not always be where you think it should be...

I am conquered, defeated...beaten.  I lay in hospital bed flanked by nurses and a worried husband and amidst the pain that would not cease the words of Casting Crowns song "Praise You in this Storm" keeps running through my head- reminding me that God is with me in, around and through it all. 

As I begged for a cure, through tears and desperation - I kept thinking of that song. 

That is God's hand in my life.  Even when the devil could come in and take over - he has me praising Him through the pain, the tears, the worries.  HE is there!  I wanted to be cured - he reminded me that my job was not to beg for my own causes but to praise Him, no matter what. 

God is there, maybe not answering your prayers the ways you want them to be but that doesn't mean He isn't there- watch, listen, pay attention and then sit back and watch God's plan unfold. 

A good friend told me once not to pray for patience because then your patience will continue to be challenged - she recommended that I pray for understanding.  Good advice.  So, instead of praying for a cure, I pray for the strength it takes to praise Him in my storm.

Blessings.

Snowball

Ever had one of those days (or weeks or months) where it seems that you started with one issue, crisis, problem and then another and another and another until there was this massive collection of issues, crisis and problems barreling down on you and as fast as you run, it is still gaining on you?  Like the cartoon snowball that starts out small at the top of the hill - as it goes downhill it gains momentum and gets bigger and bigger and bigger and then suddenly the person running from it is suddenly "in" the snowball...that has been the month of May here in the Beatty house.

It is May and I am inside the big snowball.

Cancer diagnosis, terminal diagnosis, degenerative disease, distance, heartache, loneliness, disillusionment, disappointment, worry, doubt, more doubt, frustration, anger, fear, exhaustion, pain, tears. 

The sunshine that melts that snowball: kindergarten graduation, laughter of your children, holding the hand of the person that you love, hearing just the right song on the radio, opening my Bible to a verse that clearly was shown to me at that very moment because God knows ALL, the friendship of women and men that inspire me. 

The "son" clearly shines his glorious presence in my life - even when in the snowball.  He is the beginning and the end - he is where the snowball finally stops rolling down the hill and I find myself at the foot of the cross.  And I see his pain, his suffering, his agony and I am humbled - it is I that forsake him, it is I that condemn him and I am just one of many that he is dying to save.

Snowball or not, I do know I am not alone.  Someone sings a song about Jesus taking the wheel - I guess here this month it is Jesus steer the snowball away from more snow.

 Blessings.

Where does teenage angst eminate from?  And what did we call emo kids when I was in high school?  Just putting that out there.

I see teenagers that can bear to smile and I wonder what is so bad about being 15?  Then I remember what it was to have braces and a weight problem at 15 and I know the answer.  Then again, I don't remember being unable to conjur up a smile. 

All this aside, I watched 4 teenagers get baptized last night - with smiles on their faces and joy in their hearts.  So, teenage angst isn't necessarily epidemic - good to know.  It was such a great gift to get to see these young people give their lives and hearts to Christ.  AMAZING.  I guess the answer to my question above could be that the angst eminates from a separation from God - so today I will take a minute and pray for our youth that HE can be the joy in their hearts - the smile on their face! :-)

Blessings.

Bittersweet

Someone comes up to you and says, "I've got good news and I've got bad news, which one do you want first?"  How do you respond?

I am always wanting to hear the bad news first, call it jaded, cynical, etc...but I have never had the knack for that whole glass is half full thing.  It just isn't my nature.  I was raised by two very practical people and even as a child it seemed easier for me to just see things for what they were; that doesn't mean that my childhood was unhappy, I have always just been more pragmatist than a daydreamer.  I am the kind of person that would rather know what the bad news is cause usually it isn't as bad as I've already imagined it could be.  Sounds pretty depressing I guess but that is just part of who I am.  So, as I brace myself for the bad news I have already anticipated the worst anyway, so getting the bad news first lets the good stuff follow.

This week was not the bad news first, however. 

We celebrated a small achievement for our oldest son this week as he "graduated" Kindergarten.  It was precious.  They sang, recited scripture, signed the days of the week...like I said, it was precious.  They also wore a cap and gown and got a "diploma"  I was a proud Momma that night.  He was adorable in his cap and gown and there were moments that I stood there is complete amazement at how BIG he is and at the very same time thinking about what it would mean for him to do this again at 18.  Very tender moments for his Mom and Dad.  We were so proud.  To celebrate his achievement we let him pick out a cake to eat up after the ceremony and as we were walking through the check out line at Walmart I got a phone call from my Mom.  I was anticipating the call as a congrats for our "grad" and instead it was to inform me that my Dad's latest DR appt yielded a very depressing prognosis.    So, good news first, bad news last.  Quite the reverse. 

As I stood there, taking it all in - it was all too much for my sentimental ways.  Having my baby get "big" and knowing my Dad won't be here to see that baby really graduate at 18 - a proud moment juxtaposed by real sadness....very bittersweet.

I have had a few days to marinate and take it all in and I am still left feeling the sting of sad and the joy of seeing my son growing into just the person God would have him be.  While reflecting on these situations I find myself realizing that the differences between sorrow and joy, good and bad, sweet and bitter - its kinda like the differences between a Republican and a Democrat, at the end of the day, somedays you can't tell them apart. 

Those feelings, emotions, situations are what connect us as human beings.  If there was no sorrow then would we know the real joy of joy?  If there was no bad news then would the good news be as "good"?  If all of life was bitter, how sad would it be to not know the sweetness of your child's smile, the sweetness of a friend's hug, the sweetness of getting to love my spouse? 

I have discovered that sorrow and joy are inextricably linked.  I have sorrow and joy seeing my son grow - sorrow that he will not always be so little and joy that he is growing to be the person that God would have him be.  I have sorrow knowing that my Dad will not always be here to tell me silly stories or make my kiddos laugh and also joy knowing that his life has been a gift, knowing that his legacy will live on, knowing that he will save a place for me in heaven.

Bittersweet.