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Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Bare

Do you ever feel like you don't measure up?  Lately I feel like I'm drowning in things that I just don't seem to get done and it leaves me feeling rather much like a mess.  I forget the details, get lost in a task and am so easily distracted that I don't remember where my car is in the parking lot.  The laundry piles up, the floor needs to be mopped and the kids won't stop fighting long enough for us to even share a meal.  The insomnia is making me befuddled all day long and yet there is always another task to do, meeting to attend, chore to complete, dinner to make, boo-boo to kiss, bedtime story to read...

Weary.  Very weary. 

My Dad is dying.  My husband is training for a new job and has 4 more weeks until he comes home.  New job means distinct possibility of relocation.  Moving again?  Moving boxes, packing up, purging before we pack, leaving our life here behind, having to start over.  My son is grieving for a loss and another one is coming.  My baby (okay, he's 3, but yes, he's my baby) is struggling to catch up for 2 years worth of speech development to the tune of $432.00 a week.  We're paying two mortgages, doctor bills, car payment, tuition while committing to our tithe and still needing to eat. 

Weary.  Very weary.

To lay it all out there like this is akin to that dream where you're giving a speech in front of a room full of people and you suddenly realize that you're naked.  Bare.  But, maybe one person will read this and know they are not alone, that there is another person out there that can relate. 

Now, stop and think about what it must be for God to see his children (millions of us) struggling along in life.  How is heart must break to see us distance ourselves, proclaiming independence when all he wants from us is to crawl up in his arms and GIVE IN. As hard as it is to get through this for me, there are people out there who have tragedy, sickness, death, sadness, depression...my only hope I can consistently cling to is that God is there.  Even when I don't feel it, he is there.  God can't come down and hand me money to pay my bills or fold my laundry but he did give me skills that are more than sufficient to take care of myself.  I am mired in a pit, consumed by the tasks at hand, over committed and overwhelmed because of the choices that I made.  But, he is still there.  That still small voice urging me on and asking me to believe that he does really love me.

Weary.  Very weary. But, there is a light that cannot be darkened, a love that can not be taken away, a life to live that walks with Him right beside me.  I will get there.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ruth A here: I'm working on the radio devotion for tomorrow morning. I keep thinking of the Beatitudes, especially, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." I remember a teacher paraphrasing that "Blessed are those who know their need for God." I certainly would not wish my dad's recent weeks on him or anyone else. Still, I do actually feel blessed by the opportunities it has brought for me to feel God's presence more than at any other point in my life. Does that make sense to you? And if there are days ahead, as there just might be, when I can't feel it, might you not be able to have enough faith for us both--or I for you, should that need arise?

Momma Kate said...

Yes, that makes sense. I am certain that our friends and family would most assuredly have enough faith for the both of us if the need arises - that's part of that fellowship of believers. I am leaving on Sunday afternoon to go home, he came very near death last night and I would like to make it there before it happens. The parts I struggle with the most right now are how I will make sense of it for my boys AND how I will look after my Mom from 750 miles away.

Thanks for the insight!