Monday, August 24, 2009

Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore...

I am the very first person to admit that I am not very adept at handling change, I wouldn't call myself inflexible, but that's probably because I don't like the sound of that. I can bend, move, etc with effort on my part, but my first inclination is to stand where I am deeply rooted and stay there. That being said, we've moved over 750 miles away from our home and transplanted ourselves into a small town in Oklahoma and never in my life has "CHANGE" challenged me to be more flexible than it has in the past three months. We have weathered our share of troubles in the past but never have felt so tested and pushed and bent...I realize in moments like this that God has opted to put me in this position to teach me something. NOW, the question then becomes what will I learn from this transition? From this life lesson? From these periods of chaos, doubt, strength, resolve, and then more doubt?

We signed papers to close on our house here and while I am overjoyed because this home is a new beginning, one as rooted in "roots" as I cannot help but feel slight pangs of grief and sadness over what has been left behind to reach this point. I am resigned to the fact that God teaches me the most when I am the most challenged, most uncomfortable, most absolutely here I sit, waiting for the healthy dose of "life lesson" that I am to take away from all of this and hoping that somehow this is the last dose I have to swallow down for awhile! Naive, right?

We are now the proud owners of a beautiful home with a great backyard for the boys and I am grateful for all that has happened to get us into what will become our new home. I would like to say that it was an easy process with no hitches, hiccups or bumps in the road, but that wouldn't be my life:) I am guessing that in time I will be able to look back at this process and chuckle at the insanity of it all, but today is still not that day. Our closing kept getting pushed back for reasons that Bank of America could not quite explain other than to say that the third party underwriter that they out-sourced our loan to could not get the paperwork to the title office because they were so backed up...hmmmm? As I sat in the line at the ATM to pull our our entire down payment in $20's (yes, I said ATM and 20's) I was struck at just how ridiculous this process had become. I am sure the man behind us at the ATM thought we were robbing the bank, but in retrospect I should just be grateful that he didn't follow us and find a way to snatch all that money. How did we to the money grabbing stage at the ATM? We got to that point at the ATM desperately struggling to get that damn down payment because...oh, by the way, the title office doesn't take personal checks. The title office doesn't take cash either. LOL. So after pulling out thousands of dollars out of the ATM in $20's and bringing the drug-dealer load of cash to the closing we found out that they don't take cash...will wonders never cease?

After what felt like an emotional roller-coaster ride halfway through hell and back to get these papers signed, we had the keys to our new home. It was exhilirating and terrifying all at the very same time. In addition to the big picture of what all this meant, it also meant that I would have to move again. Ugh. Thank GOD for new friends, that is all I can say. Without the help of two very special people and my wonderful husband I would be sitting in my living room overwhelmed and probably crying a little. LOL!

So as we move our home again, I am not-so secretly praying that this is the last time for at least a little while. We've got this great place to call home. I have a great backyard for the boys to play in and an extra bed room for out of town guests to come and stay a while...its a dream come true for us all. What I didn't expect in our move and buying a house and all the changes in atmosphere, environment, people, places, and things is that I would really start to love being HERE. As part of my heart grieves for the relationships that are strained by miles and my life transitions into a new phase, I find myself oddly at peace about the very same things that vexed my soul only weeks ago. I won't deny my moments of doubt, they are my very nature but as I have moved forward in this phase I am encountering new and wonderful people that have truly inspired my very soul...which is only due to the hand of God in my life. I cannot claim any credit in how much I have been embraced by this community and in turn how quickly I was able to embrace it right I tend to say, "this is a God thing."

In a moment of panic-induced stress I can fail to see the forest through the trees, but I know that God already knows my weaknesses and loves me in spite of it all. As Dorothy takes those first few steps into OZ and sees the place for all that it is in its beauty and magnificence, she knows she is not at home anymore...its this new, better, and in-color place (LOL) I don't have to click my heels and say "there's no place like home" cause finally, for the first time in a long time, I know I am there. It might not be Kansas anymore, but Oklahoma sure is starting to look and feel like home.

No comments: