Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Exhaustion...there's nothing like it! Feel free to come by and take mine for yourself, I would gladly give it away...

I am exhausted. I would gladly give my sleep deprived and utterly too pooped state of mind away to anyone that is interested in inheriting my current miseries of back pain, insomnia and other things that don't bear mentioning in the blog- feel free to take the lot!! Sitting here, sipping the Schuchs select vintage of red wine and blogging while listening to my kids argue over bedtime, I am even more exhausted with each inhale and exhale. In my current state it has become more and more arduous to be righteous, grateful or even amiable; in fact, I find myself more grouchy, quick-tempered and less patient.

I have spent the last several weeks in devotion in attempts to draw closer to God and in my path for salvation, find the strength in HIM to continue on...and while this is a noble quest it is fraught with all sorts of situations that I had not anticipated. For example, the need for more self-reflection that I would have liked. I am quickly learning what a SINNER I am and thus the need for more devotion. I am also learning that mercy, grace and gratitude have been sorely missing from my life. It is this that I have been focusing on most recently and it has brought me to this very point right now: gratitude is life changing.

I am not grateful for back pain, insomnia, exhaustion or anything of the like. However, in my state of mind I am allowed the opportunity to reflect on a life I lived before the limitations I have now...and it astounds me at all that I took for granted. The simple tasks that I griped about doing are now things I wish I could do on my own. Humility is another one that God has been putting in my face - EVERYDAY! Pride is a bitch to swallow. I digress...when focusing on gratitude for all the BIG things you sometimes miss the opportunity to be grateful for all that you have, do, etc. It never occurred to me to be grateful that I could empty the dishwasher, EVER!! And yet, here I am.

Even in gratitude the devil tempts me to be grouchy, less patient and all together unpleasant- and I fall prey to something so much bigger than myself. Then I reach my hand up- ask for the love that surpasses all understanding to fill my heart and renew my spirit and bit by bit I work my way back to gratitude and a happy heart.

I guess the exhaustion and ensuing crabbiness is there to teach another lesson- so maybe I should keep it until I do? My family would vote to get rid of it all together, I am sure! :-) Until then, I am going to go to bed early and pray before I go to sleep to be grateful when I wake up in the morning! Geez, shouldn't we ALL be grateful when we wake up in the morning. Each day starts out that way if we're lucky, right? So, tomorrow will be better simply by default.

Blessings y'all and have a great week!

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