Monday, October 5, 2009

My ability to blog has been severely compromised by my ailing back. I have completely lost my sense of humor and therefore having very little good humor to spread around, I will do my best to fake it until some remedy is made available to me. If anyone has any suggestions as to how to best manage the pain without becoming a pill-popping painkiller addict, please let me know. With the family history being what it is, that is unequivocally not an option.

My temperament has soured significantly as the pain has progressed. I find myself rather crabby and short-tempered with my hub and ashamedly so, my boys. At 4 a.m. while I lay awake in mind-numbing pain, I started to think about my brother, the addict. While I will never condone what he has done and the path he chose for himself to take, I do understand the compulsion that drove his addiction...anything to make the pain go away. He has been fighting the chronic-pain dragon for years now, the pain pills meant to slay the dragon took overtook him and his life was taken away. While he exists still in the flesh, his very soul has been robbed of the person hood that God borne in him while he was in our mother's womb. The pain was more than he could battle on his own and with no relationship with our Lord, he stands lonely and lost at the battle's end. I pray he allows God to be a beacon of light to find his way back to the life God has made for him...but one thing still remains...the pain. God can make his journey much less muddled with the tragedies he has chosen for himself, but the pain will remain.

This scares me, unbelievably so. I will not seek solace in the vices he has, however, I do understand how he started down that path. So, here I sit, feeling too scared and in pain to move forward. I have been praying for healing, complete recovery. But, this morning, I decided to start praying for renewal as well. Renewal of spirit, renewal of will to keep on keeping on, renewal of patience, renewal of resolve, renewal of my good will. Can one decide to not be in pain anymore? No. However, I can decide how I will go forward, albeit in pain, but forward nonetheless. Please pray with me for renewal.

Movie time Monday at the Beatty house, so I leave you with prayers for love and God's blessings in your life.

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